Obviouslyyyyy I’m going to write a “Farewell 2018” post!
Maybe it should be called “F*ck 2018”, but I won’t indulge in the profanity. I suppose it really wouldn’t be completely true anyways – not all of 2018 sucked. The year itself created an unfortunate milestone for me that I will remember for the rest of my life, but weaving through the memories, there are a lot of good ones which I plan on keeping. While the good memories definitely come far short of netting the year as an overall positive, I can’t say with conviction that it was a year to entirely forget.
I can’t really sit here though and write a “Farewell 2018” post about how cancer changed my life for the better, that everything is so beautiful now, that I wouldn’t change anything even if given the chance and that life before cancer was dull and now everything is in technicolour (that’s more so a Coldplay song anyways). I have some pretty mixed (and sometimes conflicting) feelings about it all.
Being that almost a full year has passed, I’m starting to creep into the days that I can do a year-over-year comparison and say things like “this day last year I found my lump”, “this day last year I got my ultra sound”. I’m anticipating February 7th 2019 to be an eerie day where I’ll have to acknowledge that the same day the year prior was when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and the life I knew up until that point was to be forever changed. What a heavy thought for such a random day!
Aside from the milestone days I’ll be looking back on, I’m now living with regular reminders that take me back through 2018 at any given time. I now have constant pain on my left side – my breast is always tender/sore now, my cording came back and is restricting my range of motion, I get hot flashes at night that remind me of Costa Rica circa 2016 with no air conditioning, and my mind is in a continuous fight with itself to not think that every little pain I get is the cancer coming back. How’s that for a regular day!
A lot of people’s initial thoughts are “you have so much to be proud of”, and “look how far you have come”, or “think of how this cancer has changed you for the better”. Yes, this is all true for a lot of women who went through what I just went through – and power to them. I’ve tried and tried and TRIED to look at it this way but these positive outlooks just do not fully resonate with me. If given the opportunity, I’d trade it all back in a MILLISECOND. So you can imagine these thoughts sit on a fine line, with having some (or more than some) days not being on the positive “silver-lining” side.
But what was positive in the year, you ask?
If there is anything I can really hang my hat on for something good that came out of this entire year, it surprisingly wouldn’t be about my self-growth, but instead it would be the fact that I was able to help others.
Ok, Ok, I know this sounds cheesy with a side of cheese, but it really has been the most rewarding and cherished part of my year – the fact that I was able to lend myself as a guiding light to other women going through this, or maybe even yourself through struggles in your life. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this reluctantly as a silver lining that I had dig really deep to find. I say this proudly and I was truly honoured to be able to help anyone going through either Breast Cancer or any other difficulty in their lives. The fact that I could help even ONE person means that perhaps my whole year of crappiness was worth it.
I initially started blogging about my journey as a method of therapy for myself. Being open about everything helped me immensely. I could partake in social settings without the pressure of having to pretend that everything was ok. Friends and family knew that they could find updates through my blog versus bombarding me with 10 of the same questions and sending me into a spiral of exhaustion, and by being open I benefited from an outpouring of amazing support and kindness.
But I also started my blog because I wanted another “me” out there – a newly diagnosed young woman with Breast Cancer (or any other diagnosis) – to be able to find refuge. I wanted them to see my blog and take a sigh of relief knowing that they too will get through it and come out on the other side with everything they love in life preserved. That comforting thought within itself can manifest incredible strength in someone, enough to endure the terrible journey ahead of them no matter the pain and disappointment. It was the same strength I so desperately needed back when I was diagnosed, of which I eventually found through Instagram/Facebook/blogs from other strong women having faced the same life upheaval. I gained so much from seeing them get back onto their feet and so I promised myself that I too would contribute to the community and be that person for the next scared Breast Cancer fighter, knowing how much it helped me.
What I hadn’t appreciated though was that more than just Breast Cancer fighters could relate to the things I was writing about and I received countless messages from you telling me about your own silent struggles and how I was opening a door for you, or at least providing you much needed light. I was really touched by this and it motivated me to keep going. For whatever reason, it is so hard for us to be open about some of the most humane struggles we go through: illness, mental illness, miscarriages, insecurities, family issues, stress, etc, etc. Why do we hide it all when we KNOW that we are all fighting the same struggles and could actually help each other if we were just more open about it…..??
Presenting ourselves living a perfect life is useless. It doesn’t help anyone, not even ourselves. We all are stuck suffering silently, when instead if you just opened up (even just to a friend) about your insecurities, or your hidden illness, or your mental battles, that could be the much needed door that someone else needs to now open up to you, relate to you, or even just help you. Who knew we could actually help each other out?! Mind blowingggggg
Even though my life feels like it is coming back onto the track it fell off of, this year taught me how powerful sharing is, so my promise to you is that I will keep writing and will continue to be open about life’s struggles, mostly because they are REAL, and they are NOT going away anytime soon, but also because I now know that I can help you in the process – with that being the real reason. 2019 will be an exciting year for me, but one with uncertainty as I blaze a trail through my new life and try to find ways for ongoing, endless recovery as well as fighting through any new challenges, of which I’m sure are headed my way!
My 2019 New Year’s Resolution
Instead of making a tangible list of things I want to do during the year like “read more books”, “travel”, or “eat healthy”, etc. My New Years’ resolution will be to focus on my mindset, how I choose to treat each day, and how I present myself to the world. I believe these intangible actions/thoughts create the foundation needed to accomplish anything you want in life.
There is a quote I have on the wall of my bathroom that I feel sums up the recipe for a happy, fulfilling life, no matter the direction you go in. I have it placed strategically on the one wall to make sure everyone reads it who visits:
A little more laughter,
A little less worry,
A little more kindness,
A little less hurry.
If I could add one more line to the poem (and yes, I know it does not rhyme – hence why the author likely didn’t include it!) it would be “a little more open hearted”
I plan on letting this guide me into the New Year, and I’ll let things unfold as they come!
Here are some photos that sum up 2018 for me:
