So I guess I completely blanked today and forgot that the date, February 7th, had any significance in my life. But then when I had a moment to think about it, I realized that – oh wait a second, this day last year I sat in a chair at my doctor’s office and was told that I had breast cancer – how could I forget….?!
Leading up to today, I definitely thought about it a couple of times, but I tried to keep my thoughts at bay and not make a big deal out of it. I’m feeling great and doing great right now so why should I be brought down by this otherwise insignificant day, February 7th. What happens on February 7th anyways? Nothing! Maybe some snow in the forecast here in Toronto, but that’s pretty much it.
What really surprised me though was that as today unfolded and I started to remember what the day actually was, I didn’t feel the sadness that I would have expected I would feel. I thought that if the significance of the day came into my thoughts, I’d be sad – maybe even cry. Perhaps that’s what you would think too, if you were in my shoes. Instead though, every time the thought crossed my mind I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and pride. In the moments where I let my mind go back to that dreary day exactly one year ago, It hit me that I truly did it, I survived the crazy life rollercoaster I was involuntarily placed on.
When I think back to the Diana who was sitting in that doctor’s office this day last year, hearing the words “you have breast cancer”, it makes me realize how far I’ve come. I somehow got out of this on the other side. I’ve not only faced some of the worst fears that most people consider to only be in nightmares, but I got through it with strength I never knew I had and here I am finally on the other side feeling great and back to being the best version of Diana I could wish upon myself. So today, February 7th 2019, I’m looking back and feeling PROUD. I even smiled on my way home tonight while considering all the things I got through this past year and how I managed to thrive despite it all.
Do I still have hard days? Absolutely. My heart still breaks any time I let myself consider the fact that it’s likely I may have a re-occurrence at some point down the road. My hair has also managed to be a great reminder on a daily basis of what I went through. Maybe that’s why you lose your hair – so it can be the most frustrating and longest reminder that you had cancer. Well, it works! Sometimes I wonder if chemo wouldn't be anywhere near as hard if you didn't lose your hair..... but I digress.
I still have moments where I feel lost and wonder whether I need to live in a bubble and save myself from all the evils things of life so I don’t get cancer again. But then what kind of life is that? Over the past 6 months or so since I finished treatment, I have just tried to do the best I can. I need to be kind to myself. The more I add to my list things that claim to “prevent” or “fight” cancer, the more I’m putting the blame on me and that this was something I did to myself. I don’t want to live with the pressure that this was all in my control. Because it wasn’t, and it still isn’t.
Without a doubt, I can most confidently say that I think about the fact that I have breast cancer every-single-day. In some way or other it comes into my thoughts. Whether it’s because my hair bothers me sometimes (well - most times, if I’m being honest), the fact that I still count my drinks when I’m out, or my inability to let myself think 5+ years down the road, let alone maybe even 2. As a result, you can imagine how much I don’t need yet another day that further reminds me of what I went through, let alone creating a milestone to somehow make it all that much more true.
I can’t argue the fact that February 7th was a day that changed my life. I hope that going forward though February 7th doesn’t bring sadness, but instead is a reminder to me that I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be proud of. So if you see me on February 7th next year, I’ll be looking for a high five or a “you go girl” (or whatever the cool kids are saying) instead of a hug because I’ve decided that it’s going to be a day to celebrate.
