I realize it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. When I was going through treatment I used to see blogs from other women and I would wait anxiously for them to post something but so much time would go by and I wondered “why aren’t they posting??”….. I get it now though. When the cancer treatment ends, instead of continuing to be engulfed by the cancer world, I’m catching on that you try your best to get back to your life which unfortunately means less time put aside to writing blog posts about cancer.
Just minutes ago I picked up my copy of Rachel Hollis' book called "Girl Stop Apologizing" and I was at the part where she was making motivating statements like "go after your dreams to make a difference!". I then put the book down and decided that instead of reading her motivating words, I should probably pull out my laptop and just act on them. So that led me to write this post :)
I want to make sure I don’t stop writing because I remember back in the early days of my diagnosis how much I desperately needed to see a fully detailed success story. I needed proof that I had a solid chance to get back on my feet and truly see that eventually I would see the year as a little blip in time. The posts that were the most powerful to me and the ones I ached to find were the ones posting of their lives after cancer treatment. I needed to know that I could put my whole life on hold and pick it back up again. Because of this, it is so important to me to continue to post about my life so that I can maybe be a gleam of light for someone else needing the same thing I did when I was in my darkest days. I’m not saying I’m the ultimate success story, because the truth is cancer never ends when treatment ends, but at least I can provide hope that life truly does come back and the sun does shine again.
Life has been good lately, things are going well. I feel like other than my hair, I have almost all things back on track. Some days are so good that I almost forget all about the last year of my life…..almost. Some days however I feel like I’m just sitting in a waiting game ready for anything to hit. My doctor recently told me I’m “Cancer Free” which doesn’t mean “cured” but it does mean “no evidence of cancer”. This is what we call in the world of finance an “as at” statement. Meaning, I’m cancer free today. Not cancer free necessarily tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but just today. Alright, so how do I live my life with this understanding? How do I stay positive or stay calm knowing that tomorrow is a new day with a potentially new definition for my health?
I’ve read so many articles and books and watched so many movies that say there is significant conclusive evidence that if you think positively, your body can physically benefit and if you think negatively, your body can physically suffer. So how do I let myself be SO vulnerable that I go forward with the attitude of “I will never get cancer again”?! That really would be the ultimate mindset though, to have that positive outlook and therefore benefit from the endless great things that come from it. But the second I start to let myself think that way, my mind abruptly says “but what if……it doesn’t work out?”. What if I put all my energy into this thought and something still happens. Won’t that just be that much MORE CRUSHING?! So then my mind decides that I need to soften the blow and allow a bit of thought to be allocated to the “what if” scenario, so I’m not so vulnerable.
So where does this get me then? Well basically to sum it all up, it gets me to a point where I’m living and enjoying my life, but I think about the risk of reoccurrence pretty much every day. Ugh. Will this be the rest of my life? Maybe. But I hope that I can get to a day sometime down the road where I have more confidence. You might be thinking “but once you get past 5 years, you’re considered cured, right?”…… not really. There are different diagnoses of Breast Cancer and I just happen to have the one where my risk of reoccurrence in year 25 is the same as year 3. So this is a lifetime risk for me. My risk of getting it again is something like 18%-20%.
Here’s where things get really weird and confusing though. I can confidently say that right now – even though I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, gone through a year of surgery, 8 rounds of chemotherapy, 20 rounds of radiation, and unmeasurable stress – I am the healthiest I’ve ever been. HOW CONFUSING IS THAT?! The feeling of being healthy provides a lot of backup to the positive thoughts and helps me feel as though I’m reducing my risk of reoccurrence (which may or may not be true, ugh). I also am just so much more aware of my body now more than ever and every little aspect of it. Mostly though, despite whichever direction my thoughts go, I try my best to treat it right, love it unconditionally, and thank it every day for being the badass fighter that it is. The confusion is frustrating, considering I have SO many reasons why my body should be unhealthy, but I try to focus on the fact that I feel well and happy and let that be the center of my thoughts – and if I’m lucky, I can forget every so often (which does happen sometimes!).
“Keep Calm and Carry On” is a difficult statement to embrace for someone who has had cancer, but here’s to trying!