I wanted to cover off a few topics which I think need some attention. It’s important I talk about them because they are a huge part of this journey and what I experience day-to-day. One thing that I have tried to be conscious of though through my blogging, is people’s privacy. I have been careful to focus solely on myself in my posts and not include too much about others, although I do think it’s important I at least touch on the topics so you all know that they are very important to me but also for anyone who finds the information helpful.
My Job
I have kept rather silent about my job through my posts because I believe it is a rather private, internal company issue of how my absence is handled and each company/team/group is going to handle things differently. Not to mention, anyone going through Breast Cancer, or any other critical illness, may handle their situation differently. In summary, I think the most important thing no matter what your situation is, is open communication.
If I learned anything from Deanna’s experience in this regard though, you have to give yourself the time to focus on you. I know if I were to try to continue working full-time, I would become too immersed in it and my health would take a back seat. Cancer is stressful. It takes over your thoughts, it gives you anxiety, it brings you down to dark places, and it shadows over everything you used to find so much joy in – daily. I have found through these past two months that my ability to stress or worry about anything else is extremely limited – I just plainly don’t have the capacity. If something goes wrong (and it could be the most minor thing - like over cooking dinner), I get the most overwhelming sensation to cry, to give up. It’s scary to know that these thoughts are just waiting there behind a closed door ready to flood out when the smallest thing goes wrong. This is why it’s so important for me to put my career on hold and take the time to focus on me. To build strength to devote solely to this fight. Everyone is different, but this is me.
At the same time though, I love my job and I want to keep up with it as best as I can, so I have decided to take on minimal work that isn’t time sensitive, or client related, and keeping up with emails. I’m taking things day-by-day and so far it has been a good balance, providing me the opportunity to keep my brain moving but to also the ability to put myself first, to remain relaxed and calm, and to let the cancer be the only stress in my life right now. Life is short, and if I don’t focus on myself now, then when? If I risk falling back in my career a little but I get many years back in health, then isn’t that a positive trade off? To me, it’s worth it, and I’ll be paying it back in spades when I return!
I do have to say though that my team at BMO is extraordinary. They are a group of heros and each have individually stepped up, have offered their help and have picked up my work that I can’t get to. I can’t thank them enough for what they have done so far and what they will continue to do while I am away from the office. I knew all along though that they were a group of special people. You don’t get that too often, but our team is top notch, and I feel more than lucky to work with them. I hope one day I can make it up to them for all they have done for me. I look forward to the day that I sit back beside them and conquer the deal flow together! Until then, they are a force to be reckoned with.
Insurance Coverage
I avoided talking about this topic for a while because everyone will have different insurance coverage and I don’t want to set the stage for someone and then their coverage is significantly different than mine. I figure it’s useful anyways though, and to get people thinking about it.
Each year when the benefits renewal comes around I always pick the highest or second highest option for each coverage category, mostly because I know too well that life can hit you out of nowhere, when you least expect it, but also because (as I said before) I’m a hypochondriac. So I maxed out my benefit dollars. As you can see, that has come in handy. For Breast Cancer, the main one you need to worry about though is your drug coverage. I am 90% covered, so I’ve been having to pay out of pocket 10% of all the drugs. This also includes all the fertility drugs that I took.
What I learned (which maybe you already know) is the insurance companies only cover “90%” of the “usual and customary amount” of the drug. What that means is they’ve decided what the max drug cost is (factoring in the generic drugs) , and then they pay 90% of that price (or whatever your coverage % is). So let’s say you go into Shoppers and get a drug with a bit of a mark-up at $15, but your insurance company thinks that it’s worth $10. They will only pay $9 towards that drug. Therefore, if you paid the $15, then you end up paying out of pocket $6 instead of $1. When you’re talking small $ amounts like $60 for birth control or something, it’s not a huge deal. But when you’re talking $2,500+ for fertility drugs….. that’s a lot of $$$$. To find out the “usual and customary amount” of the drug that your insurance company has on file, you can either go online and search the drug, or you can call them and they’ll search it for you.
Additionally, my plan has a cap on how much I contribute. So in any calendar year, the aggregate of the 10% portions that I pay of all the drugs can only add up to $4,000. After that, my insurance company covers 100% of the drugs. Sweet! Although $4,000 is a lot…. By the looks of it – I think I’ll get there though. With each dosage of chemo, I am given a drug called Neulasta which is administered 24 hours after the chemotherapy cycle. This drug is basically a steroid which helps me grow new white blood cells quickly, so I’m not susceptible to every little bacteria around me. One dosage of this drug though is $2,800. I have to take 8 of them….. you can do the math!
So yeah, turns out even though we’re in Ontario, cancer still robs your wallet. So maybe the next time your benefits renewal comes up, consider that drug coverage!!
I get by with a little help from my…..
Boyfriend, sisters, friends, family, co-workers, everyone.
All of your support has blown me away. As much as everyone pre-faces their support or help with “I don’t really know what to say or do….”, you all actually have said and done the perfect things. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be on that side, to feel useless, to filter your words 10 times because you’re worried how it’ll be interpreted, to feel like you’re bugging the person, or intruding or interrupting.
Think of this scenario though – you held back a message to me because you were worried you were bothering me, or you were worried you weren’t saying the right thing – but what if everyone worried about that? Then I’d get no messages. What you don’t know is you messaged me while I was randomly feeling down that day and as I was about to get into a dark place, the “ding” on my phone pulled me out and I looked down and saw your positive message. You messaged me while I was on my way to the hospital, dreading walking into those doors. You dropped off food that night, when unexpectedly I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to face life that day. You dropped by to say hello on a day that I needed to be with someone but didn’t have the courage to ask you to come by. You wouldn’t take no for an answer and I was so thankful for that, despite me trying to push away the help through feelings of guilt and vulnerability.
It’s a weird feeling to be on the receiving end. It’s a hard thing for me to do because for so long I have been the worst receiver. I’d way rather give everyone Christmas gifts and get nothing in return – that is best case scenario for me. I am so used to always going out of my way for others, and not being able to accept the gesture in return. I’ve always considered myself self-sustainable, so any gifts or help makes me feel too guilty or vulnerable. I know what it’s like to see someone go through this though and the feeling of wanting to help. Because of that, I have opened myself up to the vulnerability of accepting the gestures, the help, the thoughtful gifts and offerings. I’ve stopped doing the song and dance of “no that’s ok, that’s too much for you to do that” or “don’t worry about it, I got it”. I’ve started to realize how incredibly helpful they are to me, and not only do I appreciate it, but I know you all are thankful that you can help me in this difficult time. It’s a win win :)
So keep the random messages and visits coming! They are what keeps me going every day.
.....T minus 2 days until Chemo. anxiety is building.